What doesn't kill you... [entries|friends|calendar] CrimzonIllusion [ website | Livejournal ] [ userinfo | deadjournal userinfo ] [ calendar | deadjournal calendar ]

[02 Jun 2005|08:51pm] I'm done using DJ, because I've recently discovered some interesting truth. People who I don't wish to read my journal are logging onto other peoples accounts to read it, and that makes me angry. Fuck you. Cheater. post comment

[09 Mar 2005|07:51pm] I am not deleting people and then adding them again, I am finding out who actually still updates and reads my journal, so, basicly, I am just cleaning up my friends list, nothing against anyone. <3 16 comments|post comment

Be honest, comments will be screened. [08 Mar 2005|04:57pm] [ mood | Flirty and odd. ] [ music | Bonnie McKee - "Somebody" ] *WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF: 01. I cried: 02. I asked you to help: 03. I became suicidal: 04. I killed myself: 05. I died from natural causes: 06. I said I liked you: 07. I kissed you: 08. I started smoking: 09. I stole something: 10. I was hospitalized: 11. I ran away from home: 12. I got in a fight & you were there: 13. I kicked you in the nuts: 14. I streaked across campus: 15. I was in a porn video: *WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY: 01. Personality: 02. Eyes: 03. Face: 04. Hair: 06. Lips: 07. Height: 08. Clothes: 09. Voice: 10. Humor: 11. Choice of music: 12. Mannerisms: 13. Family: 14. Brains: 15. Sex drive: 16. Flexibility: *WOULD YOU EVER: 01. Be my friend: 02. Tell me the truth, no matter what: 03. Lie to make me feel better: 04. Spread rumors about me: 05. Keep a secret if I told you one: 06. Loan me some cash: 07. Hold my hand: 08. Take a bullet for me: 09. Keep in touch: 10. Try to solve my problems: 11. Love me: *OTHER: (some of these I deleted, because they were in a sruvey I've already had posted) 04. How have I affected you? 05. What do you think of me? 06. What's the fondest memory you have of me? 07. How long do you think we will be friends? 08. Do you love me? 09. Do you have a crush on me? 10. Would you kiss me? 11. Would you hug me? 12. Physically, what stands out? 13. Emotionally, what stands out? 16. Give me a nickname & explain why you picked it: 18. How long have you known me? 19. Describe me in one word: 20. What was your first impression? 22. What do you think my weakness is? 24. What makes me happy? 25. What makes me sad? 26. What reminds you of me? 28. How well do you know me? 29. When was the last time you saw me? 30. Ever wanted to tell me something but you couldn't? 32. Are you going to put this on your blog & see what I have to say: post comment

[03 Mar 2005|03:35pm] I'm sorry I'm not updating much in my DJ, I haven't been online much and when I am it's at school, and DJ is smart-filtered, LJ however is not. So if you would like to read recent posts, go here... http://www.livejournal.com/users/crimzonillusion I love you all. <3 1 comment|post comment

[25 Feb 2005|04:34pm] [ mood | cold ] My heart hurts... 1 comment|post comment

Life? [23 Feb 2005|04:22pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Five For Fighting - "Superman (It's Not Easy)" ] There's so much I want to say, but either I don't know /how/ to say it, I am scared, or I just know better. This last weekend has made me think a bit, seeing how mildly crummy it was, seeing how my friends react to certain events. Seeing how I should have done what I wanted to. And very well needed to. You know that I trust you with my life, I just don't know what came over me... forgive me? Hopefully this weekend will be better than the last. I am going to Katy and Saras birthday party thing, and Michelle and I are hopefully going snowboarding on Friday, so I am hoping that we can get a little bit closer again and get to talking about some things. Those were the good ol' days. I miss that. I miss a lot of things. From people to things I used to do. It just all seems so far away, at least for the time being. There's somethings I need to figure out, god knows how long it'll take me. Some day. Someday I'll tell you exctaly what you need to hear, you might not /want/ to hear it, but you will anyways. I'm sorry. I am so very sorry. <3 post comment

Nobody ever sees me cry, just about everyone has now. *EDITED* [18 Feb 2005|10:45pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Flaw - "Only The Strong" ] Tonight, was scary as fuck. I hate Fil. Thank you so much to everyone who was there. I feel really bad I don't know who all of you were, but thank you so much, I love you all so very much. I want to especially want to thank Mike, John, Haley and Ryan. The four of you are so amazing. Thank you so much. I love you guys so much what you did for us meant so much to me. Michelle I am so sorry. I was so scared about you I almost killed myself. To make things better, I've already gotten in a fight with them... fuck that. 4 comments|post comment

*cough* and there goes my lung... [17 Feb 2005|01:12pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | Breaking Benjamin - "Blow Me Away" (Halo 2 soundtrack) ] Everytime I cough, I feel like I am coughing up my lung... I've been texting just about all morning, John called me a bit earlier which was kewl, and watching movies. It's really nice. I might be having people over either Saturday or Sunday this weekend seeing that we have no school on Monday, comment if you are interested in coming and I'll see what I can do. <3 5 comments|post comment

[15 Feb 2005|07:47pm] "Ever do or say something you wish you hadn't or something you wish you had?" I think one of the few people I could talk to this about, won't talk to me. What's a girl to do? Don't ask me whats wrong... you're not going to find out. 4 comments|post comment

It's something I have to do. [14 Feb 2005|09:23pm] [ mood | worried ] [ music | Mudvayne - "Not Falling" ] Tomorrow is it. When I let it all go... At least thats what I am planning on. We'll see what happens... I am scared. 4 comments|post comment

[14 Feb 2005|04:20pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Bonnie Sommerville - "Winding Road" ] And there goes another one... 2 comments|post comment

[11 Feb 2005|11:14pm] [ mood | scared ] [ music | Nirvana - "Smells Like Teen Spirit" ] I don't think I've ever been so scared in a movie theatre... I though I was scared in The Grudge, which I was. But Boogieman topped it all off. I was with Michelle, Brandon, David, Beauty, Phil and Jason. Michelle clung to Brandon, I clung to Beauty and David and Phil and Jason kept touching my head making me scream. Beauty and I screamed /a lot/ in that movie. That was really by far, the scariest movie I've ever seen. I really wish I wasn't alone right now... Auto response from Vahn80: Sober...seems i am of a minority of the night Exactaly. I wish just wish I felt safe, I wish I wasn't alone... I know all of you are going to bitch at me saying "It's just a movie." But I am scared out of my mind. I don't care what any of you say. I don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight. 6 comments|post comment

[10 Feb 2005|07:46pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | Thrice - "The Artist In The Ambulance" ] I hate Valentines Day... it's so depressing if you don't have someone to spend it with... Oh wellz. Guess thats life. 5 comments|post comment

[07 Feb 2005|05:24pm] [ mood | Bitter ] [ music | Something Corporate - "I Want To Save You" ] Fuck you all. ~Yours truly and incredibly bitter <3 3 comments|post comment

Fun night. [05 Feb 2005|12:43pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | Avril Lavigne - "How Does It Feel" ] I want to thank everyone who came over last night for being mature and 1) Not making my house a mess, 2) Staying at a reasonable level of loudness and 3) Coming in general. Michelle, John, Tyler, Seth, Becky, Ryan, Peter, Katy, all came over to my house last night, John, Tyler and Ryan were the first to show up. The boys played a game or two of cut-throat in pool. It was fun talking with Shelly while they played. By the time we started watching The Grudge everyone was there but Peter. He called about halfway through and came. My mom had lit a candle, Christmas Cookie, which apparently smelt like cake... so everyone wanted to make a cake, so we did. It was a lot of fun, but I have to do all the dishes. Which isn't too bad. I got really emo and bitter while the cake was cooking, anyone who talked to me got a pretty bitter response. I'm sorry to all of you for that. Tyler made this really gross looking frosting with powdered sugar, butter, milk and water. It was so gross... We talked for a while before going downstairs and just hanging out. Some of us played pool, some of us played darts, some of us were just hanging out or wrestling. It was amusing. About midnight everyone left, Michelle, John, Tyler and myself all chilled outside and in John's car for about an hour, that was fun too. I went in around 1:05, Michelle came in about 5 minutes later. We played 2 games of pool and talked. Went upstairs and talked, and crashed around 6, on the floor. Thanks to everyone who came. Hope you all had fun. <3 ( How Does It Feel? ) 8 comments|post comment

[03 Feb 2005|06:47pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Papa Roach - "Scars" ] You of all people I thought would understand. 2 comments|post comment

[01 Feb 2005|04:24pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | The Early November - "Ever So Sweet" ] HAPPY BURFDAY BEAUTY!!!!!! I HART YOU! YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!!! <3 1 comment|post comment

Pointless. [29 Jan 2005|11:06am] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Senses Fail - "Bite To Break Skin" ] I feel so lonley... just in general alone. I look at all these really cute couples like Ryan and Haley, Seth and Becky, Michelle and John, Heather and Anthony... I don't know. Just kinda made me think. I'm not going to get anywhere in life with envy... oh well... I guess thats life, and sometimes it's all we have. Or maybe it's not. This morning was odd, all I remember was waking up around 2:45 crying... I can't remember why. I was up for about an hour, walking around in my house and going to certain places and remembering... I went to the basement into my brothers room and sat down on his bed and thinking about how much I wanted him there to talk to him. I fell asleep on his bed and again waking up around 5... then going back up to my room, and going back to bed. I don't even know whats going on. I think I need help... post comment

You'd expect a long entry, but no! [28 Jan 2005|09:20pm] [ mood | energetic ] [ music | Lacuna Coil - "Swamped" ] AHHH!!! Does anyone like my new layout? ^_^ lol. Haha, okay then. Yeah, alright. So I had a preformance tonight. I haven't preformed in a while so I was a bit worried about my capibility to handle it, I actually did really good, it was so exhillerating being back out on the floor was rockin'! ^_^ There's a boys basketball game on Tuesday that we are dancing at, people should come, they're fun. This week has just been, ugh. Mixed emotions, sad, angry, stressful, happy, I dunno what it was. Winter Ball is tomorrow, I am going with Beauty and Michelle, cya some of you there. Yeah. Thats really all I've got to say right now. Until later! <3 2 comments|post comment

Update on last night... and the truth. [23 Jan 2005|10:36am] [ mood | Betrayed, pissed off, and emo. ] [ music | Lacuna Coil - "Angel's Punishment" ] Betrayed - To be false or disloyal to OR to reveal against one's desire or will. Yeah... I guess that about says it all. I just feel so... I don't even know. Hurt. You wanted the truth here it is. I can't turn back on this right now. I /hate/ the though. It drives me to hell and back numerous times. Let it happen. I don't care anymore and neither does anyone else. I don't things could really be any worse at this point. This is my life... my suicide. The end of me. I was supposed to go hang with Beauty and some other people today, but my dad... being the ass he is, is making me stay home because "It's Sunday... it's a school night." Dumbest reason you've ever heard? Yeah. I thought so too. Looks like another fun filled day on my roof. *jumps in glee* yeah right... Went to the mall with Lauren, Sarah and Hannah met up with us later. We saw White Noise. I don't see what all the hullabaloo about that movie being /so/ bad is... it really wasn't that bad. In my opinion it was pretty good. Kept me on my toes, but then again, I spook easily >.<... but after that we went to K-Mart and hullahooped and played with the toddler toys. Lol. It was /so/ much fun. We also went to Spencers and played with the little hand shocky things. Those are great. Lol. After that Sarah left and Hannah, Lauren and I bugged Laurens little sister at the mall because so was being a witch. Tossed a penny at her and hit like, right in front of her. She growled at me! And they also told Hannah to stop being a "weiner" ROFL! Wtf? 7th graders... *sigh* lol. As the night started to die down, we decided to liven it up again by going to Goodwill and hanging out in there for a bit. We were there for about an hour and a half to about two hours. It was so much fun. We went home and Dan and Ben came and played some pool and darts with us. That was a lot of fun, rolls around 10 and everyone left. I watched Chicago and fell asleep. I'm still really mad at my dad that he gave me such a lame reason... and that I can't go anywhere, I had a feeling he wouldn't let me go anywhere. Beauty, next time we do this, it has to be planned out /a lot/ better. My mom just called me a bitch... whatever, I guess it's a fact. She also just asked me if I would be happier someplace else. Like if my mom and I were to move to Cincinatti because we wouldn't have anywhere else to go other than with my grandmother. I didn't know how to answer, part of me says yes, part of me says no... so I said a vacation away would be really nice. I don't know. The End. P.S.- Haley, you are incredible! You just made me smile hardcore. Thats on my list of sweetest things people have said to me. I hart you! 1 comment|post comment

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